John C Wright posted a strongly anti-homosexual rant on his blog. After reading the equally negative responses, I felt moved to write a response. When I have time, I may come back and clean this up a bit and add links to supporting evidence and such. But for now I just needed to get something down so it wouldn’t drive me crazy.

Mister Wright,

Your post and its resultant comments are really on two separate issues:

The nature of homosexuality, and

The extent to which media corporations should feel or be obliged to attempt fair and representational depictions of non-dominant groups (specifically homosexuals in this case).

Unable to control my curiosity, I jumped ahead in time to see how the new Star Trek Reboot series would progress.

As it turns out, a resurgence of the Cowboy aesthetic in America (ala the 70's) and the peak of the Steampunk literary and fashion trends will have a heavy influence on the direction of the franchise as they transport the series into an alternate timeline where the difference engine and manifest destiny lead to an accelerated path to space exploration.

Poor Joss. If only he'd launched Firefly in 2015, it would have become the longest running sci fi series ever.

Here's some things I noted about future Star Trek Reboot films and series (of course, the trauma of time travel may have scrambled a few facts, but I'm pretty sure I remember these correctly):

1. Mudflaps with chrome naked ladies are hung from the warp nacelles.

2. Dilithium coal superheats the warp vat, producing "anti-steam" that, when combined with steam, powers the ship's warp drive.

3. Scotty keeps an endless, secret stash of Romulan Chew.

4. "Fire the photon steam-pedos!"

5. Kirk, the greatest hand-to-hand fighter ever seen, is constantly being challenged for his Wrestling Federation of Planets Belt.

6. Dirigible shuttlecraft, and clockwork shuttle-horses.

7. There is increased racial tension on the bridge when Kirk insists on putting the Dixie flag above the Federation symbol.

8. "Doc" McCoy is one of the deadliest gunslingers on the ship (and one heck of a gambler).  "Well ain't you a Tigarian daisy."

9. A crewmember’s rank and department is indicated by the height and color of their top hat or stetson.

10. Instead of constantly adjusting his uniform top when he stands, "Tex" Picard adjusts the sock in his black denim pants.

11. Dee Dee Troy is grabbed by the crew, given a buzz cut, forced to down three beer bong shots, then stranded on a deserted planet, because many of the male crew members absolutely DO NOT want to get in touch with their feelings.

    Riker, however, does pause to mention how much she resembled Barbara Streisand in Yentl with her hair all short like that.

    He is promptly beaten.

12. In Star Trek Reboot IV: The Voyage Home Again, the crew returns to earth of the past to bring two bovine cows back to the future so that they can be “real” cowboys. However, upon reaching the past, they discover that even then most “cowboys” had never touched a real cow. Disappointed, they take a pair of Freightliner trucks back instead.

13. The Federation is dependent on Romulan Dilithium coal reserves, ravaged by horrible poverty and unemployement rates, and under constant criticism from all other races for polluting the universe with their S.U.V.s (Shuttlecrafts Using V-8s), which max-out at warp 2 and only get 14 lightyears per gallon of water.

Whoopie Goldburg’s character, “sensing” that reality has been shifted somehow, investigates and discovers that Romulan agents went back in time and helped George Bush Jr. become an earth American president in the 20th century, thus setting technological and environmental advancement back immeasurably.

She is able to finally prove to the crew that they are in the alternate, evil reality because shortly after the Romulans arrived and began establishing their mind-control transmissions (disguised as right-wing conservative radio shows) circa 1992, most of the men started wearing goatees.

(From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Epidemiology Department)

 There’s a link to boring info-stuffery at the end, but here’s the really important stuff you should know.

 1. Check here to see if you have the Swine Flu.

2. Why are these big freakouts over diseases like Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and Bird Flu a good thing, even though they end up killing fewer people annually than suffocation by getting one’s head stuck in a pickle jar? 

 Because The Zombie Apocalypse might just be avoided after all. 

That’s right. These have all been readiness drills. We are now practiced at assessing and tracking pandemics, and distributing information and medicines to combat them.  

Will some brains still get eaten when the fit hits the shan? Of course. But hopefully far fewer than would have been if the ZA had happened just ten years ago. 

Now if we can just figure a way to get the zombies to only eat those brains that aren’t being used. Like those of Hannity head nodders.

3. The U.S. government and CDC are attempting to convince everyone not to call it the Swine Flu, as that is hurting sales of pork products, and related agricultural interests. 

Pigs are fine with it, by the way.

Now while I can understand the government’s concerns, here’s the thing – they haven’t offered a snappier alternative. The 2009 H1N1 flu? Yeah, that’s going to catch on like wildfire. Just rolls of the tongue, that does. So here are a few suggested alternate names.  Feel free to add your own in the comments.

• The HeeNee Meany flu.
• The hUno You Know flu.
• The Hwunie Runnies
• The Universal Healthcare Doesn’t Sound So Bad Now Does It flu

4. When dealing with police, don’t mention concerns over swine flu. They can’t tell if you are serious or not, and will assume you need an extra ticket. Or a beat down. Depends on the country (or State, or state of your skin/caste/accent in your country or state).

5. Get some perspective. Yes, there have been 150 deaths from swine flu, all in Mexico last I read. And yes, there have been literally TENs of cases reported worldwide already!

But FYI, the regular flu is estimated to kill 250,000 to 500,000 people worldwide every year. Estimated deaths last year in the US were about 36,000. 

Does that mean you shouldn’t be careful? No. But also be careful not to be hit by a bus while fussing with your face mask as you cross the street, or slip in the shower as you madly wash off all the germs from your foray into the icky outside world.

And now, here’s the boring “need to know” info stuffery. 

On this day, mine father did give virgin birth to a lotus flower, which did spring fully formed from his head, and out of which grew the Tree of Life, which was burned to ash, and that ash mixed with the blood of the Titans, and given the breath of life, and then dipped into the waters of Styx by mine mother, and thus was I born.

In short, tis my birthday.
 

(From the head of the Q.U. Crypto-Multimedia Department)

Twilight comes out on DVD tomorrow, March 21st, which prompts me to post here my collected thoughts on Twilight.

How could Twilight - a zero calorie plot that pushes the idea that a girl's ultimate goal in life is to marry the right boy, have his child, and have him give her life meaning -- be so popular? 

I mean, it's like those melodramatic episodes of Buffy and Angel angst, which were the hardest episodes of those seasons to watch, except add on top of that the fact that Bella Swan doesn't even have Buffy's power or purpose in life.

I attribute it to the Beetle Love Factor.  The Beetle Love Factor is something that afflicts many people. 

And what is the Beetle Love Factor, you ask?

You are watching a nature documentary about insects on PBS or Nature or some other similarly NON-Lifetime channel.  About as unromantic as you can get. 


Yet, if they edit in a narrative of one lone underdog beetle doing a beetle dance or flashing its beetle colors or whatever, trying oh so hard to get a little beetle mate, I find myself rooting for it.  When the beetle gets rejected, I feel bad for it.  If it gets its mate, I go all "Dude, I've got something in my eye making it all watery and shite."

A frickin' BEETLE! 

It doesn't take much to connect with our universal feelings of wanting to love and be loved, or to be part of something larger than ourselves.  Any story can do that, even one about beetles.  But does that make it a GOOD story?  One that redeems the time you spent watching it -- time you will never, ever get refunded to spend on something else?

That's why I'll skip the Twilight movie.  I highly recommend "Let the Right One In" instead, washed down with shots of Vampire Hunter D and The Hunger. 

And then maybe throw in the Planet Earth series again.  Dance, little bird of paradise, dance!

P.S. -- ON FANTASY MAKING THE CREEPY ACCEPTABLE (ICK CREEPY, NOT YIKES CREEPY)

I have an idea for a YA book. Tell me what you think:

80 year old man poses as teen on Myspace to hit on high school girls. He finds one he likes, sneaks into her house, and watches her sleep.

But he’s a vampire. So, you know, it’s sexy and romantic, not creepy.

No?  Okay, okay, how about this — he looks about 22.

Not enough?  Okay, well, how about if he actually goes to the high school, instead of using Myspace?

Okay, cool.  I’ll call it … Dusk.

(From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Musicology Department)

There are so many things to mock about your average Fantasy movie. 

For some reason, movie studios have traditionally treated Fantasy films on about a level with porn (and slightly below homemade horror movies) in terms of plot, acting, dialogue, costuming, puppets, wigs, gratuitous nudity, men poking everything that moves in one way or another, and special effects (often involving dubious fluids).  There are a few notable exceptions, of course, but Fantasy movies are all too often embarrassingly bad.

But one cringe-inducing area rarely discussed is the music. 

One of the worst offenders in recent memory was Kull the Conqueror, which actually improved my opinion of Heavy Metal in comparison.
 

Clearly, Kull's "luxurious" locks should be cut into a mullet.

When it comes to fantasy movies, multi-fret guitars are worse even than multi-bladed swords.